Deceiving..

I deceived you.. I deceived my friends.. I deceived everyone.. but somehow, i could not deceive myself. fate had deceived me in a way. It had enlightened me to a whole new truth.. the truth i never once believed in before. That radiance, that aura. somehow i never could displace it out of my mind. The presence rooted right deep in me. It dragged me down. Right back from heaven and i felt that a whole new life had begun.. No, I didnt want a new life. I was contented with what i had in the past. Isn't it pure cruelty that divinity decided to remove everything i had from me? To err is human.. yet to forgive is divine. Once again i felt deceived.. Had she not notice the light she had given me? I often questioned myself half-knowing the right answer. Sometimes, when i close my eyes, supposedly to see darkness, i saw light. Light in my eyes.. i wondered why.. It gave me courage.. It gave me a life i never once had.. And you brought that to me.. and i accepted it with all i had. knowing that if ever you took all of it away, i would crumble completely.. Memories flooded after silence.. Misery after reminiscence.. It tortured me. They tortured me.. For no matter how much i have tried to let go.. You prevented it from falling somehow.. Sometimes I looked deep into the times we shared.. the smiles we had.. it had me reminded of why i loved you so... It reminded me that we could be happy together . But it tored my heart so much when you told me to let go. let go? was it that simple? have you let go too? You havent i realised. It's hard for you too. But why let go when there isn't a need? It's pointless.. In countless of thoughts i pictured u lying beside me, using my shoulders as a pillar of strength. you leaned so much on it.. you depended so much on it.. However how much oblivious thoughts I had used to try to lie to myself.. In reality, the truth was you needed no dependance. Life was unfair.. FATE was unfair. and you wasn't fair to yourself. The time when you wanted me soo much to let go . i didnt know if you did it for me. that you didnt want me to wait . or was it you have already let go entirely. To allow that pillar of strength to collapse. your pillar of strength . my pillar of strength . OUR pillar of strengths . And as i held on tightly to all those dubious fantasies with none having any link of answers. i told myself that I would wake up and this would be all a dream. i would awake and find myself in relief of the familiarity. The warm touch of my pillow. Still, i couldnt breakthrough the deception my mind had installed for me. Sadness had blinded me completely. I only lived in search of the truth.. I wanted answers . To almost everything i was in doubt of. to almost everything i felt deceived in.. I prayed so hard that the answers would come from you. because... you were the only cause of every shattering my heart had faced... And only you.. could piece them back leaving only a small yet significant scar. that i would forever be in rememberance of... But for now. You left me with an unbearable, excruciating pain every single time i looked back.. hoping that the past.. would come to the future..