Find Solace Somehow..

i found a girl. we had so much of a happy time. 31/3/05 we were happy in each other company. we knew of each others' feelings. but all this faded into hands of time. Every single bliss. every single memory, dissipitated with each blink of an eye. i thought that all would at last turn back for me. but i realised. with each minute i couldnt grasp . she drifted further from me. now, i no longer able to see her that well anymore. cant see her eyes. cant see her face. cant see that smile. was it somehow devil in the midst of happiness? will every hope i hold on to turn out like this? now those memories i longed so much to let it live in my ever-dying mind. Somehow those memories manage to find its' way out. and let me experience pain far worse than death itself. and for once i experience that sharp nudge. its like my heart twisted twice, bringing me to ground. with each time i closed my eyes. i saw her image hanging right there before me. beckoning me. calling out to me. as if to say something of inexplicable sadness. sorry was wat i made out . sorry? i asked myself. will sorry turn back time? will sorry be a resolve to every single thing devil had his hands on? and with each time i closed my eyes again . i felt tears trying so hard to force its' way through. i wasnt alone. my mind knew i had fallen so deep. and yet a will far greater than that of gravity managed to force it back. and i told myself. i would never falter again. and with each step i take . i held on to that hope, never wanting to let go again. i held on so tight, just so tight, hoping that somehow or some way. fate would find its' way back to me. and with each staggering setback i had. i still held on tight . knowing one day, she would come back. but as i saw that back moving further away and away from me . i realised, time wasnt waiting for me. SHE wasnt waiting for me. i was only waiting for a hope that was never going to happen . and it broke me down . it brought me so far back into reality. reality is fate itself. and i felt deceived. Every eye i placed on that drifting silhouette, broked my heart. And with every step she took, my shattered heart broke again. i realised it wasnt that easy to let go. when somehow i was able to overcome grief and sadness, i dreamt that . we patched up. and we were together again . and i felt happy. we felt happy. felt happy embraced in the love of each other. felt happy that nothing was there to stop us now.still, i couldnt make out the meaning of that dream. was it a way god wants me to still hold on? but i tried so hard to let go . knowing that i'll fall so far down. and god still wants me to hold on? i felt more than deceived. i felt i found something far more important than hope in life. it was will itself. determination. when everything somehow falls towards you. be prepared to withstand it. and now, i hide away from you so much . just hoping that you would still find your way back to me . and now this hanging question frozen there in time. would she ever turn back? the only thing i knew now . was to give fate a shot. was to put my every hope. my every grasp . my every memory. suspended onto this question. suspended in gods' hands. giving him the every right . to either take away life itself or give me solace.

Deceiving..

I deceived you.. I deceived my friends.. I deceived everyone.. but somehow, i could not deceive myself. fate had deceived me in a way. It had enlightened me to a whole new truth.. the truth i never once believed in before. That radiance, that aura. somehow i never could displace it out of my mind. The presence rooted right deep in me. It dragged me down. Right back from heaven and i felt that a whole new life had begun.. No, I didnt want a new life. I was contented with what i had in the past. Isn't it pure cruelty that divinity decided to remove everything i had from me? To err is human.. yet to forgive is divine. Once again i felt deceived.. Had she not notice the light she had given me? I often questioned myself half-knowing the right answer. Sometimes, when i close my eyes, supposedly to see darkness, i saw light. Light in my eyes.. i wondered why.. It gave me courage.. It gave me a life i never once had.. And you brought that to me.. and i accepted it with all i had. knowing that if ever you took all of it away, i would crumble completely.. Memories flooded after silence.. Misery after reminiscence.. It tortured me. They tortured me.. For no matter how much i have tried to let go.. You prevented it from falling somehow.. Sometimes I looked deep into the times we shared.. the smiles we had.. it had me reminded of why i loved you so... It reminded me that we could be happy together . But it tored my heart so much when you told me to let go. let go? was it that simple? have you let go too? You havent i realised. It's hard for you too. But why let go when there isn't a need? It's pointless.. In countless of thoughts i pictured u lying beside me, using my shoulders as a pillar of strength. you leaned so much on it.. you depended so much on it.. However how much oblivious thoughts I had used to try to lie to myself.. In reality, the truth was you needed no dependance. Life was unfair.. FATE was unfair. and you wasn't fair to yourself. The time when you wanted me soo much to let go . i didnt know if you did it for me. that you didnt want me to wait . or was it you have already let go entirely. To allow that pillar of strength to collapse. your pillar of strength . my pillar of strength . OUR pillar of strengths . And as i held on tightly to all those dubious fantasies with none having any link of answers. i told myself that I would wake up and this would be all a dream. i would awake and find myself in relief of the familiarity. The warm touch of my pillow. Still, i couldnt breakthrough the deception my mind had installed for me. Sadness had blinded me completely. I only lived in search of the truth.. I wanted answers . To almost everything i was in doubt of. to almost everything i felt deceived in.. I prayed so hard that the answers would come from you. because... you were the only cause of every shattering my heart had faced... And only you.. could piece them back leaving only a small yet significant scar. that i would forever be in rememberance of... But for now. You left me with an unbearable, excruciating pain every single time i looked back.. hoping that the past.. would come to the future..