I will wait, i definitely will

Have my times in these years been spent in vain?
These monotonous moments i dragged through only to await your return.
And through these waitings, of what value have i gained?
Nothing i thought except for the pain of feeling distant.

I have longed just so much for you,
With eaching passing time i dreamt you came back.
Though these times i spent in solitude heart-broken yet hopeful,
I never gave up cos pessimism was what i lack.

Will an utopian life ever be possible in reality?
To seek perfection in me was what i strived for.
To be a prince-charming to you was what i wanted to be,
and yet through you i experienced the hardest of my falls.

Believe me please when i said for you i will wait,
as your refusal to trust would cripple me completely.
Let me be the one in your heart even when im dead,
for you will be in mine endlessly.

I will lock you tight in my memories, never letting go.
Cos you are the sole reason to think about my past.
And as every year passed my tears gathered threatening to overflow,
I will hold on to the promise i made to see you for the very last time i must.

And for those loneliness i went through in hope of seeing you once again,
sadly only being able to see an illusion of you and me.
Feeling deceived and yet wishing for the sky to just rain,
washing away my unfulfilled promises to set myself free.

I felt deceived time after time.
And i told myself i'll never miss you again.
I had indulged myself in all those wine,
struggling to get through life with all those pain.

I had brought too much misery into my life,
and there were times when i was tired of all that.
Concealed within, my anger had thrived,
and again sometimes, my heart felt bad.

I know i had hurt you, but i didnt mean it.
Sometimes i pray into the night,
remorseful of what i did.
Still, these prayers never came to light.

I had hinted a little at times for you to understand.
I tried so hard,so much and so tough,
and yet you never comprehend.
At times i felt life was just too rough.

I had relinquished material desires just for you,
but you had felt unwanted and desolate.
I tried so much and just this much i can do,
and i just hoped i aint the one now you hate.

And to god up there i made a wish,
and to you i whispered goodbyes.
Still, I hope one day you would be able to realise,
whatever i had once said, weren't lies.

It's the time when hands part,
and feelings seemed different.
When being unable to look beyond the barrier from the start,
to how to look through you i had learnt.

I had seen the real you,
having to do things i never once thought you would.
I tried to tell myself that it isnt true,
to just deceive myself i told myself i should.

I had once seen the devil in your eyes,
once witnessed the wickedness within you.
I had forced myself through those pack of lies,
to be able to not fall again was what i could only do.

If time could freeze for a moment,
I would have made amendments.
But wishing for frozen times were just fantasies,
and in reality, fantasies do not exist.

Sometimes i had doubts intruding my mind.
Repeatedly i asked had i made the right choice?
Hoping to discover the truth in which i never could find,
And so I had let myself to just fall back in the assurance of your voice.

I stared at the sky, the moon with stars as its companion,
whispering words that seemed to drift off in the wind.
Listening to you and watching the moonlit horizon,
a wonderful sight i had never once seen.

The awkward silence that hanged in the air,
as i stood speechless wondering what more to say.
I wanted to tell you something i really did!
But all i could do was to look down in dismay.

"What if one day you wouldn't have the chance to see me again?"
i fumbled with the words, not knowing if it came out the right way.
I watched your eyes, i saw the pain.
"Then i'll live a disillusioned life everyday"

Those words reveberated back and forth.
Was i that of importance to you?
A riddle so comlicated i couldn't solve,
i kept quiet and looked up, "I must have sounded like a fool."

But how i wished i had let you know,
wished that i had just given you a little hinting.
To let you know i wouldn't let you go.
To let you know that you are my everything.

Will silence ever be worthy of its value?
And regret be dreaded as an enemy.
With the precious of the lot as dew,
and as raindrops falling upon the canopy.

Will tears also deserve its resolve?
Teary eyes in magnificent blue.
Words like whispering doves,
that spoke to me and you.

Will memories regain its power?
To let things relive again.
Like the lost petals of a red-rosed flower,
obtaining its beauty again.

Will smiles be of pleasure?
Pleasure that satisfies its definition.
And you as my buried treasure..
Deserving its very recognition.

Sorry i can't always express myself in words..
Sorry i can't always be your wonder guy.
But will you stand by me when it all goes wrong?
Will you stay beside me when i die?

I was so foolish for all these years.
Being deceived and let down time after time.
Still i believe that there will be an end to those tears,
An exquisite girl i will eventually find.

I hope you are doing fine out there without me,
cos i'm not doing so good without you.
Your eyes are still like the endless sea,
without it i don't know what to do.

Everything i have will eventually be relinquished,
i'm ok with that cos i still have you.
And to god up there i made a wish,
that my imaginations would all come true.

Even when the sky come crashing down upon me,
I'll be fine as long as i have you.
Even when god chooses to forsake me,
Please, my lady dont abandon me too..

So will you please be my support my lady?
And clear my life of all these disillusions.
Free yourself together with me.
And you and i will cross new horizons..

smiles, in endless skies.. Stars fading into the horizon.. There was a time where we used to enjoy each other's company.. And we watched the stars together where the moon lits up each and everyone of them. And observe at how god fiddles with the lights. With hours that seem like minutes.. And eyes that seem like diamonds.. With every moment we cherished. brought us closer to the sunrise. Realising that there was an end to almost everything. And we hated silence as it brought separation.. Holding on to just so much hesitation to let go. And all the while. I watched only your back as you faded in the distance.. And it reminded me of the ordeal i once went through.. A painful ordeal.. And an extremely memorable one.. Do unforgettable moments happen only in fairy tales? Though physically you are away. And in reality you actually are. Stayed faded in the distance.. Mentally. You are always with me. Here, beside me. And although when i open my eyes i cant find you. I still can when i close my eyes.. I can see you lingering in my memories.. I can feel your presence within me.. Departures are the hardest thing one would ever experience.. Although i once felt so distorted and broken down.. Its ok cos i have found another meaning im looking forward to. Its hard at first but it gets clearer now. But i ought to thank you for the sparks you lit up in my life. The memories that when i look back at my childhood. I would smile.. Remembering how close we got to be.. And i cherished every moment you had place a smile in my life.. And before, i felt so hard to just let go.. Just so hard.. But im happy now as i finally did. And how so much i hope you would be able to let go, just like i did, and find another person to bring wonders into his life.. Just like how u gave wonders to mine. And as the sand seem to cover your footsteps with time.. and the wind seem to howl in the distant. The clouds cleared and the sky lit up ever so brightly.. I thought of you for the very last time.. The drifting silhouette.. The countless of sorries.. And i whispered my very last goodbye that took off with the wind.. And had just one last smile for you..

As the droplets teared down one by one . with every raindrop in its truest form.. raining down upon heaven.. i suspected the clarity of every drop.. the purity of every drop.. within the mist of its form.. sadness surfaced from beneath. Every drop .. Pyres of loving memories . With one that pictured me running beside you.. And another that housed our quarrels.. And another that showed laughters.. And another.. Feeling the intensity of each and every one.. With every drop that seemed to cut through me like bullets piercing in each and every part of my body.. I collapsed on the floor hoping that it would just stop.. The pain was excruciating.. Unbearable.. Those memories left me with so much torment.. Just like how a child face solitude.. It was clear that heaven was moved with every of its tear crashing down upon me.. As i stood within the shower of rain drops, hoping that someone .. would just get me out of here.. Grabbing me by the hand.. Taking me away from this misery.. I waited and waited, but no one had came to rescue me.. I was disappointed.. Utterly.. As the rain stopped.. I sat upon the remains.. sobbing.. heaven had abandoned me.. As you see.. Sometimes god decides to help you.. But at almost everytime.. The devil tries to interfere.. Its hard for god to carry out its' work. And to propose to us a perfect life. Life. Life is often filled with loops and holes.. In each and everyone of them.. Hides our actual feelings, our thoughts. Cold-hearted it seems to almost everyone in the eye.. But there is always more than meets the eye isnt it? Sometimes life isnt like that. Or maybe. I look at life in a more simplified way.. A happier way rather.. Life is filled with delusions. Plucking a rose might prick you or might be your pleasure. But always after pleasures of the lone flower it withers away.. Guided by misconceptions. Some may get over it quickly. And yet some will never be. Roses are layers after layers of petals.. And life is cover after cover of lies.. A perfect route for a person may not be ideal for another. Ones' man gift may be another mans' poison. God has set life through multiple roads. And he manipulates life in a way that one would always take a different route.. And almost everyone feels the fatique of its' manipulation. And we are certainly tired of it. Hoping for a day that we would just settle down. And decide our own paths.. And making our own decisions without being exploited...

I had let it slip out of my grasp.. I had let go of those memories on purpose.. Time had forced me to do such undesirable things. Pressure had urged me to let go completely. Silence had left a scar behind.. Having the happiest times upon angels.. And the worst amongst demons. I had it all. And had lost it all. If ever you had given out your hand to hold me. I couldnt hold it. For if i ever did, i could never ever let go again. I had endorsed in so many of gods' decisions.. But i couldnt understand why had he laid out this path of illusions. Living in the midst of my illusions, I had only you to look for. In times of need, in times of sorrow, i would be in deep search for you. I would often gaze up upon the stars.. All those faint yet significant glimmers.. The tingling sparkling wonders that seem to spread out across the horizon.. And as the shooting stars fall down one by one, i had made a silent wish. A wish of great significance. A wish.... only meant to be heard by god. And if lucky, her heart would be able to sense that too. And with every time i silently watch upon that grace, i had words slowly forming for me. One by one they form . and with every word formed, made me crumble over and over. And as i took much time to observe the shimmering meanings, i felt myself suspended in space. And everything around me were stars.. One by one swooshing pass me. And as if i could fly, my eyes raced with them. One by one... passed me. AND not one had stopped before me.. Life too wouldnt wait for you. Tuesday passed, it would be wednesday. Never again would it be that same tuesday again. Never again will tuesdays be the same if you never took the chance to hold on to every minute that day meant. Picture yourself upon the clouds... With birds flying pass while chirping melodiously. It was a whole new morning for them.. And before you the girl that you decided to share whatever assets you had.. With every word that seem to blurt out of your mouth without control, brings you closer and closer to her.. And at the part when you intend to say "I love you" she had already lean on your shoulders. Having decided that you are that person.. And as you spoke the words that carried so much seriousness, a yet far more powerful bond had come between both of you. You knew you couldnt lose her. You knew you needed her more than anything else now.. And while everything seemed perfect, all around you the blues and the whites.. And below you stood tiny little supports. How you wished that it would carry on like this.. How you wished that fantasies are realities. With every thought and every minute spent, the cloud slowly disappeared.. And you know that that fantasy is disappearing.. Soon, it would be reality itself. Without the stars, without the hugs and without HER.. Everything .. would have already lost its' meanings.. And as i put my hands together and thus pray.. Hoping that, one day, she would be able to realise everything.. EVERYTHING.. I have ever done for her. And one day she will realise, I am right before her very eyes.. Still, i have indulged my world with a pack of lies.. Hoping that these, would eventually come true..

When Did You Last Let Your Heart Decide?

First impressions last the longest.. The sparkling memories.. The unforgetable smile.. A whole new world had began for me. i was satisfied with what i had around me. You me. i was satisfied as long as you were beside me.. I spoke with your heart but i realised it wasnt your heart i was talking to. It was someone else echoing beside you. I felt so hurt deep down.. Why hadnt you let your heart decide ? Why had you accepted other point of views? Why had you chose a heart-breaking option.. In countless of thoughts, my mind drew a perfect picture for both of us.. Running hand in hand... Into the infinite plains beyond.. And all around were patches and patches of tall shrubs.. Even the Daffodils stood appalled by our smiling splendid.. We ran so fast.. Only to had each others' hand to feel safe.. And if ever you would fall. I would fall with you, BUT we would stand up together after that. No one had the liberty to take you away from me.. But no matter how far we ran, or how far my mind took me.. There would always be an inexplicable sadness following me. I was certain that all these werent going to happen. I had made up a totally perfect fantasy for myself. I couldnt outmatch the voices hovering you.. I had to find a way.. To have you to share my thoughts. To have you to share my feelings. So you would know how much i had concealed within me. And only then, i would have the strength to conquer the doubts you had rooted right within you. And only then, i would have the will to go through, what we had in the beginning, again... And those times you shared with me.. I just could never forget. But i guess all i wanna say is thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you even for just that short time...

If Only You Knew..

If only you knew those unrevealed meanings.. If only time had stopped right there.. If only it had waited for both us to make the decisions neither of us would regret.. But standing at the crossroads.. Pressure urging us to move forward... And we had taken different routes.. And in each path awaiting us a whole new life.. But had we expected the consequences for taking our own paths.. We would rather be slacking back in time... And only us would be by each other.. Allowing time to surge forward by itself, bringing everything else with it.. But now however how much regret we held on in our hearts.. Fate wasnt there for us.. Neither were we there for each other.. A single crossroad changed our lives completely.. If only we could just walk back.. Walk back against time.. And meet at the crossroads once again.. But it wasnt possible.. Reality lies before us in our hands.. And we knew damn well of it.. I tried so hard, just so hard to accept the path i had chosen.. But through time i had realised something important.. Fate had played us so bad.. We were confused.. "Come back will you?" sometimes i would try to question the you inside me.. But it just wouldnt reply.. I sat silently at the padding we once were... Hands over hands.. Smiles after smiles.. And as we enjoyed the stars heaven provided us as gifts.. The stars seemed to fade out one by one.. The city lights seemed to go out one by one.. And at that very point of time a little uneasiness popped into my head.. Will we too fade out like them? We held each other hands.. Feeling the assurance of that grip.. Had we release it then we knew we would fall apart.. But time had changed everything.. The meaning of the fading stars deciphered.. The paths taken were different.. The smiles we shared all gone .. At least one last smile? I had hoped for that for just so long.. But even to turn and face me you werent ready.. Sometimes i noticed the lonely eyes you had planted on your face.. And the tears you tried so much to hide.. I knew it all.. And hopefully.. I can once again feel what i had lost.. And be revived again once more.. Back to the time when we were at the crossroads.. Deciding if we should take the same path.. Never making the wrong decision ever again..

Find Solace Somehow..

i found a girl. we had so much of a happy time. 31/3/05 we were happy in each other company. we knew of each others' feelings. but all this faded into hands of time. Every single bliss. every single memory, dissipitated with each blink of an eye. i thought that all would at last turn back for me. but i realised. with each minute i couldnt grasp . she drifted further from me. now, i no longer able to see her that well anymore. cant see her eyes. cant see her face. cant see that smile. was it somehow devil in the midst of happiness? will every hope i hold on to turn out like this? now those memories i longed so much to let it live in my ever-dying mind. Somehow those memories manage to find its' way out. and let me experience pain far worse than death itself. and for once i experience that sharp nudge. its like my heart twisted twice, bringing me to ground. with each time i closed my eyes. i saw her image hanging right there before me. beckoning me. calling out to me. as if to say something of inexplicable sadness. sorry was wat i made out . sorry? i asked myself. will sorry turn back time? will sorry be a resolve to every single thing devil had his hands on? and with each time i closed my eyes again . i felt tears trying so hard to force its' way through. i wasnt alone. my mind knew i had fallen so deep. and yet a will far greater than that of gravity managed to force it back. and i told myself. i would never falter again. and with each step i take . i held on to that hope, never wanting to let go again. i held on so tight, just so tight, hoping that somehow or some way. fate would find its' way back to me. and with each staggering setback i had. i still held on tight . knowing one day, she would come back. but as i saw that back moving further away and away from me . i realised, time wasnt waiting for me. SHE wasnt waiting for me. i was only waiting for a hope that was never going to happen . and it broke me down . it brought me so far back into reality. reality is fate itself. and i felt deceived. Every eye i placed on that drifting silhouette, broked my heart. And with every step she took, my shattered heart broke again. i realised it wasnt that easy to let go. when somehow i was able to overcome grief and sadness, i dreamt that . we patched up. and we were together again . and i felt happy. we felt happy. felt happy embraced in the love of each other. felt happy that nothing was there to stop us now.still, i couldnt make out the meaning of that dream. was it a way god wants me to still hold on? but i tried so hard to let go . knowing that i'll fall so far down. and god still wants me to hold on? i felt more than deceived. i felt i found something far more important than hope in life. it was will itself. determination. when everything somehow falls towards you. be prepared to withstand it. and now, i hide away from you so much . just hoping that you would still find your way back to me . and now this hanging question frozen there in time. would she ever turn back? the only thing i knew now . was to give fate a shot. was to put my every hope. my every grasp . my every memory. suspended onto this question. suspended in gods' hands. giving him the every right . to either take away life itself or give me solace.

Deceiving..

I deceived you.. I deceived my friends.. I deceived everyone.. but somehow, i could not deceive myself. fate had deceived me in a way. It had enlightened me to a whole new truth.. the truth i never once believed in before. That radiance, that aura. somehow i never could displace it out of my mind. The presence rooted right deep in me. It dragged me down. Right back from heaven and i felt that a whole new life had begun.. No, I didnt want a new life. I was contented with what i had in the past. Isn't it pure cruelty that divinity decided to remove everything i had from me? To err is human.. yet to forgive is divine. Once again i felt deceived.. Had she not notice the light she had given me? I often questioned myself half-knowing the right answer. Sometimes, when i close my eyes, supposedly to see darkness, i saw light. Light in my eyes.. i wondered why.. It gave me courage.. It gave me a life i never once had.. And you brought that to me.. and i accepted it with all i had. knowing that if ever you took all of it away, i would crumble completely.. Memories flooded after silence.. Misery after reminiscence.. It tortured me. They tortured me.. For no matter how much i have tried to let go.. You prevented it from falling somehow.. Sometimes I looked deep into the times we shared.. the smiles we had.. it had me reminded of why i loved you so... It reminded me that we could be happy together . But it tored my heart so much when you told me to let go. let go? was it that simple? have you let go too? You havent i realised. It's hard for you too. But why let go when there isn't a need? It's pointless.. In countless of thoughts i pictured u lying beside me, using my shoulders as a pillar of strength. you leaned so much on it.. you depended so much on it.. However how much oblivious thoughts I had used to try to lie to myself.. In reality, the truth was you needed no dependance. Life was unfair.. FATE was unfair. and you wasn't fair to yourself. The time when you wanted me soo much to let go . i didnt know if you did it for me. that you didnt want me to wait . or was it you have already let go entirely. To allow that pillar of strength to collapse. your pillar of strength . my pillar of strength . OUR pillar of strengths . And as i held on tightly to all those dubious fantasies with none having any link of answers. i told myself that I would wake up and this would be all a dream. i would awake and find myself in relief of the familiarity. The warm touch of my pillow. Still, i couldnt breakthrough the deception my mind had installed for me. Sadness had blinded me completely. I only lived in search of the truth.. I wanted answers . To almost everything i was in doubt of. to almost everything i felt deceived in.. I prayed so hard that the answers would come from you. because... you were the only cause of every shattering my heart had faced... And only you.. could piece them back leaving only a small yet significant scar. that i would forever be in rememberance of... But for now. You left me with an unbearable, excruciating pain every single time i looked back.. hoping that the past.. would come to the future..